Random ramblings

2011-06-03T02:03:00.003+08:00

J.C. Leyendecker

2011-04-26T01:47:00.000+08:00

via theleyendeckerpool

easter was just awesome, i guess i fell in love again. (:

now i wish i was danbo

2011-04-18T16:46:00.000+08:00

via designyoutrust

i can't stop myself from running away

2011-03-21T03:03:00.000+08:00

seriously?

2011-03-08T18:47:00.001+08:00

via postmoderncommons

slow your breath down - future of forestry

2011-03-02T16:35:00.000+08:00

This chest is full of memories
Of gold and silver tears
I'll give you more to own than
All of this
And I'll give you more than years
For you were once a child of
Innocence
And I see you just the same
Your burdens couldn't win or
Lose a thing
Oh, I'd tell you once
Again
But you're always on
The run

Slow your breath down
Just take it slow
Find your heart now, oh
You can trust and love again
Slow your breath down, just take it slow
Find your smile now, oh
You can trust and love again

If you leave I'll still be close to you
When all your fears rain down
I'll take you back a thousand times again
I'll take you as my own
I would sing you songs of innocence
'Til the light of morning comes
'Til the rays of gold and honey
Cover you
In the sweetness of the dawn
But you're always on the run

You're not alone
You're now a part of me
You feel the cure
I'll find the toil it brought you

credits lyric advisor

to-do list

2011-02-27T23:22:00.002+08:00

TO WATCH

burlesque
unknown
the king's speech
black swan

TO READ

banana yoshimoto's collection
haruki murakami - norwegian wood
kazuo ishiguro - nocturnes
chuck pala niuk's collection

utter most

2011-02-24T00:21:00.001+08:00

hatiku pun sudah tawar.

lol. cliche much?

but it can't be expressed any way else. ):

do you believe in airplanes... or something much greater?

2011-02-15T23:39:00.000+08:00

i could use a dream,
or a genie,
or a wish,

to go back to a place much simpler than this.

so why don't we go, somewhere only we know

2011-02-15T23:20:00.000+08:00

via bigcartoondatabase

...and i had quite a ball, when i was young

2011-02-14T01:29:00.000+08:00

i might just get killed after posting this, but i miss my crazy DFA char bos. );

2011

2011-01-19T01:24:00.000+08:00

now what?

via takeastepbackandlove

In this moment, we were infinite.

2011-01-03T20:14:00.000+08:00

December

2010-12-20T00:00:00.002+08:00

Dancing bears, painted wings.

Things I almost remember, and a song someone sings. Once upon a December.
Someone holds me safe and warm, horses prance through a silver storm. Figures dancing gracefully, across my memory.

Far away, long ago, things I yern to remember, and a song someone sings.
Once upon a December. And a song someone sings.

Once upon a December.

let me get caught

2010-12-19T23:54:00.000+08:00

in the stillness of motion.

via TiZi042

perhaps, i regard myself, as nothing at all.

2010-11-14T18:09:00.000+08:00

me too, i miss us.

2010-11-07T22:19:00.000+08:00

via shutupandkissme

what on earth does it take for me to find a decent cup of coffee here?

2010-10-31T15:18:00.000+08:00

via wenchnomore

zhesickcar heart nara, much

2010-10-29T22:55:00.000+08:00

via arrestedmotion

let's cover this.

2010-10-24T22:26:00.005+08:00

via spectropop

Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

(... cont'd) but i still love you anyways.

2010-10-23T00:17:00.003+08:00

[...cont'd from previous post]

first things first.

yes, the APPROACH / IDEA / CONCEPT is good.

the approach to deliver thought provoking moral questions, moral issues, big issues, etc etc...

very intimate, very up close and personal.

but that in itself, is also it's so called "weakness".

People nowadays are so accustomed to action, humour. Society has become one which is very self-centered and attention deficiet.

Give me something action packed, funny. Give me something ENTERTAINING.

This movie, is definitely by far, BORING. I felt so too. Saying otherwise only makes me a hypocrite. It's because of our surroundings.

but that in itself, is also a point to ponder upon...

errr.... u still there? lost u?... =.="

I personally think

that's what made the film so interesting

it challenges u to like it

and when u do, it off loads all these very personal, bt very very objective issues

i loved the fact that it was so hard to get into the show

i felt, to a certain extend, claustrophobic

LOL.

because i'm so used and accustomed to all the other films

and it's precisely what makes this film so damn good.

cos it's NOT anything like it

and it chooses you, not the other way around

that's y, at the very beginning, it's very obvious that it's not gonna be an easy film to watch

all the more it shows, that quite frankly, to a certain extend, the director doesn't give a shit abt u

lols

nicely put.

and that's the beauty of it! the movie doesn't care abt pleasing u

couldn't seem to verbalize my thoughts.

and it puts u into perspective

or rather... my feelings of the movie.

what have YOU been thinking abt all these while, why are you so uncomfortable watching it

why can't u accept it...

makes u strip urself off all the "other ME things"

and then, throws all these HUGE issues on u

from personal, emotional, political, faith, love, hope, frustration, hatred, regret

EVERYTHING

haha. different perspective eh.

as u put it, "... off loads all these very personal, bt very very objective issues"

i mean, i can read a lot from such a short movie

and that's y i loved it

no.

actually. the real beauty is in that, the director / producer / script writer, didnt aim or PUT those things there for u to READ literally.

lol. YES~

and that's why, it's really how u interpret it

and i didn't mean READ as in READ la

i mean i can keep getting different msgs out of the show

but rather, to INDUCE all these different perspectives, based on different people's perception, background, etc etc.. if they really delved in, they'll see different things. yes, different msgs.

the MAIN plot is within the audience itself.

aha YES!~

that's y this movie is an ART

rather, it's like ART

tat's exactly wat i told kevin.. "this movie is an ART"

it's like Pablo Picasso back in his day.

"Who cares what they effing think? I'm gonna effing draw what i effing like!"

and vincent van gogh

don't need to hear what they effing say

i'mma chop my ears off

HAHAHHA i added that myself

LOL

hrrmm... u nvr... that may have very much been how things were... XP

Visionaries are always WAY ahead of the pack. Only to be appreciated long after.

**Their work, only to be...**

oh wells, yes

i still think the show's effing good

not in the normal effing good, omaigod it blowed my mind kinda way

more of how it lingers in u

it effs ur mind up

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

haha. for me, it's like the feeling of waking up from a dream that you just can't remember all the details but also doesnt go away. you dont really feel real happy or sad, good or bad.

it's like i'm still thinking about the movie... but not thinking about it at all. =.=" XP

correction: not thinking about anything specific. XP

YES! EXACTLY

and yet it makes u think abt it

abt what?

i don't know, bt it's there

just there.

u try to think harder

bt u can't really remember what it is EXACTLY that is causing u to think this way

is it the way it was shot, the lighting that was playing with our emotions?

it's DAMN BRILLIANT LO

when u put it all that way. yea... i think so too.

HAHAHA YAYS!

anyways, it feels damn good being to finally be able to talk abt it

for lack of ways to express this, i think i just level-ed up, very barely scratched through kinda level-ed up, my art appreciation / movie viewing objectiveness. XP

mayb, even my own "perspective level".. XP

that's a good thing right!

yea. i think so. XP

you don't give shit about what i think, do you?

2010-10-22T23:57:00.000+08:00

// teasertrailer

i wish i could paste the entire conversation here.

mind.blastingly.AWESOME

2010-10-21T00:54:00.000+08:00

via iamdillariffs

.................

2010-09-21T22:44:00.000+08:00

the problem is.....

i don't think i can give any more than i already did.

2010-09-16T15:24:00.000+08:00

time to grow up....

time to DREAM.

topsy turvy

2010-09-02T18:27:00.000+08:00

funny how long it takes to get to know a person.

through this 22 years,

i've learned that a person can be full of shit at times,

a person full of shit can make some sound remarks at times.

a person whom one regards as wise can make the dumbest mistakes,

a person whom one regards as foolish can make the wisest comments.

the most confident and sure will quiver at the thought of failure to impress,

the most vulnerable and timid will rise to the occasion when the situation demands so.

a kind person can be just a kind person on the surface,

a ill intentioned one has a kind soul with the dimmest glow,

yet all hope is not lost.

a person who lacks love is able to give love so freely, falling and breaking along the way.

a person who is loved demands just more and more and more, driving people away.

the most beautiful can take their gifts for granted,

the plain and simple takes things plain and simple.

once again i find myself questioning,

WHO EXACTLY AM I?

am i built for what i've decided to do?

am i hearing the right voice?

or am i delusional?

am i secretly confident in myself?

do i fake the whole low self esteem?

open ended questions with open ended answers.

[okay, i'll stop before it sounds like i'm losing my mind]

i'm changing too fast, i can't seem to catch up.

hopefully when i do,

i'll like what i see.

i need a compass

2010-08-04T00:35:00.000+08:00

wait, GPS more like.

i have given you too much credit

2010-07-26T01:26:00.002+08:00

i talked too much about you.
i complained too much about you.
i let you take too much of my time.
i let you screw around w my emotions.
i allowed you to invade my personal time.
i allowed you to jeopardize my relationship with people.
i let you rid me of all my passion and motivation.
i allowed myself to compromise and bought your justifications.

SCREW YOU.
when the curtains are down and the credits start rolling,
don't bother searching for your name.
cos i'm writing you off, right now.

singing songs & spinning stories

2010-07-25T01:55:00.001+08:00

somehow stumble across this short story.

somehow felt compelled to read it.

somehow found my character in it.
somehow saw my current standing.

showhow, seems to be my favorite word?

" Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty."

Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull."

Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me."

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter" ... and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.

At the second tree a woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree, I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my tree so I'll take this one", and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for. The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end. The third tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark. The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.

Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time. Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and he stood and said "Peace" and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, He will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best. "

you never know what you get till it's gone

2010-07-13T21:51:00.002+08:00

my car got rammed into.

stationery.

parked nicely.

along a considerably fat road.

*sigh*

you have served me well WKU 2391.

claustraphobic

2010-07-03T22:30:00.001+08:00

it's not the space i'm put in,

it's the space i give myself.

and when you nonchalantly said you'll stay in MY room without first consulting ME.

i cursed to myself.

yes, i am self centered like that.

but i chose to be nice.

tonight will be a very, very long night.

101

2010-06-29T23:23:00.001+08:00

when you're so focused on something major,
you neglect the little things around you that means everything.

you're too smart,
that you seem like a fool.

i hope it's not too early to say i'm almost done for the prelude

2010-06-17T04:09:00.000+08:00

these past 2 weeks was INSANE.
swamped with work.

been sleeping at 3-4am and waking up 9ish and it's just work work work round the clock.

i had to run over to borders for a bit today,
and it made me realize how much i missed certain things.

therefore, today, i shall list everything that i MUST do after the 8th of August.

1. spend 1 whole day in a bookshop!
2. bring my cameras out for a photoshoot.
3. start painting. [i wonder if my oils aren't already dried up?]
4. get connected w friends again.
5. spend a weekend w aunt.
6. random roadtrip!!
7. get more gigs.
8. pick up a language.
9. start regular exercise.
10. get knee checked up and do whatever's necessary. [hopefully no major surgeries]

plenty more,
but i'm afraid i might regret that.
so TEN it is.

okay, back to work!!

i age so fast, i worry if i'd be able to run around in a weeks time.

2010-06-03T14:42:00.001+08:00

my past two weeks snapped past me in lightning speed.

i hardly rmb the times i spent alone.

man, and i thought i was still young.
time to snap out of denial. :P

old NEWspaper

2010-05-24T22:54:00.008+08:00

me is loikes me new display of old picture on FB.

[found among the truckloads of failed shots i took]

supper was good,

2010-05-16T03:08:00.002+08:00

but i think i just cried it all away.

the weather's a pain in the ass

2010-05-15T15:34:00.001+08:00

i shall find my own way to a small place called mentakab today.

not like it's that great a challenge...

it's just, i know nothing about the place or the way to get there. lols

look forward to the bus ride,
and maybe some new people.
kinda wish it was longer in fact. :D

books - check;
shades - check;
playlist - check;
camera - check.

and i'm OFF!!

the girl who left a trail of memories

2010-05-12T14:25:00.001+08:00

there once was a girl,

who would dream of her future,

the adventures she's encounter,

the company she's make.

yet never once, had a step been made.

she was pushed by time,

one step forward,

one step back.

anticipation and reluctance; a dance began.

the sway of emotions thrilled her heart,

yet the motion has started to make her soul crack.

come run the streets for us,

scream and shout while you're at it.

climb that tall mountain,

declare your conquest.

don't worry now, you'll never forget.

just leave your memories behind while you move ahead.

don't look back now,

pick up your pace.

put on your running shoes and run the race.

it'll all be back home,

where it's safe and sound.

when you want to remember it will be found.

some pics from paramore concert @SG.

2010-05-08T21:50:00.005+08:00

the tickets that we held on like our life depended on it.

the only surviving shot of paramore, yet you can't really see scat from all the trails of lights. >.<

super chomel all-grown-up joe yew. :D

the all-grown-up "elongated" kay kei. CUTE! (:

got to the t-shirts booth before the crowd came rushing in.

the "later than kiasu-singaporean" crowd.

man i love this pic of victor. :P

*evil grins*

post-concert "hunt the matching shoe" contest.

and oh, this was just a small part of it.

CONCLUSION: MIND-BLASTINGLY AWESOME!

[for a biased newbie concert goer]

bravo!

2010-05-08T21:36:00.001+08:00

i have once again proven myself to be who i am trying to prove myself against who they are trying to prove me to be.

how to you outrun stupidity?
it seems to catch up easily. ARRGGH!

a frigid mind draws only rigid lines

2010-04-29T21:25:00.001+08:00

i am often envious of others living a carefree life,
no baggages,
no big dreams of achievements,
no petty frustrations,
no limitations,
no self-inflicted pressure.

they'll just go anywhere the wind blows,
anywhere their heart takes them to.

i have always thought of myself as a nobody,
nothing too fancy,
nothing too major held in the palms of my hands,
only because i always thought i'll never be good enough.

i'd draw, but nothing like a work of ART.
i'd write, but nowhere near poetry.
i'd sing, but nothing that will resonate in one's ears.
i was pretty certain that i was someone who ran about behind the scenes,
someone who'd just contribute bits and pieces here & there,
someone that'd be invisible when i wanted to.

taking things as it came,
no prior plans just naive hopes and a to-do list before i die.
that was how i took life.
one step at a time,
too afraid to look too far into the future,
because my negative self tells me that i'd end up a failure.

i was afraid when people believed in me,
"you have a lot of potential. i believe in you're capable."
were the words that i feared the most,
but i never told anyone,
not a single soul.
i was afraid to disappoint,
so afraid, there'll be a knot in my throat,
not knowing what to reply.
i was afraid i'd really end up being a nobody after giving it my all.

i wanted something to fall back on,
i wanted to take risks,
but i wanted the safety nets to stay.
i was afraid to face myself,
because i was fooled into believing i was a good for nothing..

it was a difficult process,
telling myself that this mentality is unhealthy,
that this is stopping me from performing the way i should,
about stepping out of the rut,
and living up to my calling/destiny.
[sounds oh-so-very cliche i know]
but it's undeniably true.

the lines you read and hear about
"you are your greatest enemy",
"the mind is your biggest battlefield"..
so common, so familiar,
but the struggle is prominent,
the effect is strong.

i tried running away from it,
[or rather the thought of running away]
cutting out ties, making sure i don't affect anybody else but me.
i tried chucking it behind my head,
going on and about my routine, not revealing a hint of my struggle.
i tried fighting it,
but the mind has been marinated in thoughts like these for the past 22years,
it was obvious who was to have the upper hand.

thus, i changed my prayers,
not to have the strength to hang on,
but to have the strength to talk to someone about it.
and of course for wisdom
in who i pour my deepest, darkest fear.
in who i seek help and guidance.
[ i was almost called stupid for trying to handle it alone and go on abt with my prayers]

and hence, this post was quite a struggle.
[yes, i am aware that there are no comments, but i know of a few who still reads this blog]
because i'm stepping up to face my demons,
and i am declaring today that i will rid myself off my negative outlook,
because i don't want to sink in this any longer.

this post is a declaration of war to myself.
prayers and support are much coveted,
seeing that this will be a long process
and it'd be like peeling layers and layers off an onion.
cos i know for sure that i will have to deal with a lot of issues and cry bucket loads.

oh yes, i'm afraid,
but i sure do hope i'd look back on this and be able to laugh to myself.

2010-04-22T01:02:00.000+08:00

had a gig last friday and i'm missing it already.

small crowd, bt i liked them, very responsive. (:

feels good to be on stage, sometimes.
can't wait for the next!

okay! the problem now is to find some time to write more songs....

some things are just not meant to be.

2010-04-22T00:56:00.002+08:00

just like this gorgeous freestyle font i recently fell in love with.

i.can't.freakin.use.it.on.my.MSN.
boohoo!

Q. You know you're destined to never post pictures up when...

2010-04-11T21:38:00.000+08:00

a. the moment you get ur paycheck you have part of it stashed into somebody else's bank account.

b. some "government department" decides to make you pay them for a certain "service fee".

c. you've just picked up some extra "maintenance" fees that really at the end of the day benefits your loved ones the most.

d. you finally realize how little your pay is to afford YOU.

p/s: i hate staring at the rolls of negatives and just.... STARE. ngaaa. >.<

a little from everyone will do. tqvymch.

2010-03-25T03:04:00.000+08:00

i have been trying to get my thoughts preoccupied and have just recently succeeded in doing so.

i'd take it as a good sign,
that i'm getting back on track,
slowly,
"slow and steady.., take your time," i'll tell myself.

but the back of my head it's shouting that maybe, maybe.......
ah, nevermind, not declaring it means i'm not claiming it.
not claiming it means i'm not defeated. lols.

fingers crossed it all goes well.
no falling off stage,
no pitching lari,
no blunder cases.

now that i've taken my first step,
i need a refill of confidence, muzzle-top pls.

p/s: i am actually pretty excited about it. though it may seem like a small event, it's a big step for us and a HUGE step for me.

p/p/s: is kinda annoyed with ppl using the word "stoked" so often already. Hayley Williams does it right, NOT you, not you & definitely not you over there!

the art of mixing colors.

2010-03-22T20:35:00.002+08:00

*clicks* www.zhesickcar.blogspot.com
and i realize that, "daymn, this is such an emo blog."

lol.

truth is, people love sharing their happiness,
people meet up, celebrate over a pint of beer/teh tarik/chinese tea...
it's normal human nature to share joy & happiness.

notepads, sketchbooks, and blogs on the other hand,
are for the sappy, emo, dark, gloomy days
where you'd prefer to cave at home and cut ties with the world.

[unless of course you have pictures to upload and share about a certain event; which reminds me i have yet to share on PARAMORE's AWESOME show in Singapore.]

OH WELL,
all of that is about to change.
when i get my pay to send my pics to develop end of this month that is. :P

p/s: been working hard with the boys on some song writing and planning to get some gigs too,
so hopefully there's a change on what's going on. (:

my mind is a verbal junkyard

2010-03-16T13:59:00.000+08:00

nothing gets processed.
nothing gets in.
nothing goes out.
no results.
it's just, THERE.

no action,
no consumption of energy,
no processes running..
yet i'm so exhausted.

why bother?

2010-03-12T23:24:00.000+08:00

i'm done with you spinning lies & twisting stories.

a pointless battle i refuse to fight.

when it's more than Q & A.

2010-02-24T21:45:00.003+08:00

i've been pretty spoilt and dependant.
I'm used to asking God for answers when it comes to big decisions.
and He answers them alright, loud and clear.

like when i wanted to just jump into doing arts.
like when i wanted to decide on my career...
i'd get the answer, and from there things will eventually fall into place.
i had it easy, right!?
( well, off my head these are the only ~~major~~ MAJOR decisions i could think of. )

I guess at this point of time,
I'd wish that it wasn't so easy for me.
[Cos i've been so used to following instructions. knowing that they're of my best interest, of course]
I could always make decisions so easily,
so determined, unwaivered.

but now,
i can't even decide if i should buy a STUPID PHONE!
(not like i'm even spoiled with choices to begin with)
DAMN USELESS CAN?! *whacks self*

p/s: anybody wanna sponsor me to put up some pics in my next post? no money to send the negatives to develop. T_T

oh the horror! [drama mode]

2010-02-15T14:07:00.006+08:00

I've been so used to spending my CNYs putting-on-fake-smiles-and-pretending-to-remember-certain-relatives-that-kept-trying-to-remind-me-when/how/where-they've-1st-met-me-and-how-they-remember-me-as-a-small-little-fry-that

i feel so lost now that my grandma has passed away.

there's.nothing.to.do!

*drama mode*

i'm shocked. seriously.

i'm not even kidding. i'm bored S.H.I.T.L.E.S.S.

and to top it off, i feel oh-so-the-malas with the CNY weather. ):

[at least i'm finding some break from all the kelam-kabutness from work]

family outings ending with people screaming at each other,

really, i don't want my future CNYs to end up like this.

couldn't go shopping due to the hectic workload
not that i'm the kind that really cares about wearing new clothes on the 1st day of CNY. it's just depressing how my bro came back with hands-full of new clothes while i came back home with work to settle.
couldn't even find time to squeeze in some time for a decent haircut.
i look so shaggy now i have to hide myself at home. lol
my stupid phone's failing on me and i'm receiving tonnes of CNY greetings from unidentified numbers.
standardized replies like "hey, thanks for the wish. you have an awesome CNY too"
):):): no.personal.touch.siaaaa. i wish i knew who u guys were.
slept/watched/read most of my days off.
yes, i feel very old liao. i'm choosing the least energy consuming activities. oh! the horror!!
well, reunion dinner wasn't too bad. the food, i mean.
1st day of CNY felt like any other Sundays i'm used to having. dinner? let's not go there.
what happened to the CNY mood!?
2nd day was supposed to be hiking [pictures pictures pictures!] and visiting my colleague. meh.
then i realized a poor dog's stuck in his house cos i spent 45mins at 2am outside their door figuring out how the insert-super-canggihfied-gosh-i-can't-seem-to-find-the-word-whatever to open their wooden door and failed miserably. I felt an immense pity for him having to spend CNY stuck in a house all alone and decided to teman him. the dog. yes, a bit dumb. tqvm
3rd day's tomorrow, fingers crossed it starts going back to the CNY i'm used to having.
bring them beers, poker cards and mahjong on already!! lol

i need to save my CNYs!!!

but before that,

i.need.to.reorganize.my.life.&.working.life

going on like this, i can foresee myself dying a terrible death. *excuse me drama mode*

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don't ask me

2010-01-31T01:26:00.001+08:00

why?

how come?

what's going on?

how on earth?

do you even know what this means?

I.DON'T.BLOODY.KNOW.SO.SHUT.UP.ALREADY.

counting sheep

2010-01-22T01:53:00.001+08:00

the time spent watching time go by,

listening to the still movement in the room.

the moments i snap out of slumber,

eyes wide open though kept shut with all my might.

it creeps out of me,

very slowly,

it tries to engulf me,

yet to no avail.

this side of me i thought i had buried,

this part of me i tried to forget,

this despicable mask i thought i had shattered.

it fills me with uncertainty & doubt.

it sings of negativity and regret.

it oxidizes the core of my confidence.

as it emerges,

i fight.

i speak;

i laugh;

i joke;

i sing.

i wear myself like a mask.

not knowing it fluctuates the vibration in the air,

shaking the core.

accentuating the existing decay.

and now here i lay,

ears wide open,

eyes focused on the pitch black darkness.

i wish it all to go away.

men united

2010-01-22T01:22:00.000+08:00

the lamest title i've used thus far.

but it means a lot what! [trying to justify. lol]

as lame as it sounds,

i can never express how overwhelmed i am at the response of the people,

willing to step up, sacrifice their time and effort;

to help put the place together in less than a week.

It was a time where people stood around the building despite the ashes and thick smoke,

tearing and praying,

heart broken at what had happened,

not to the church as a building,

but to our church as the people.

Yet somehow,

He managed to flip it over,

so smoothly that you'd only start noticing after.

It is a time when people are rising up to help, hand in hand.

Tearing down barriers of religion, misunderstanding and personal agendas.

[though it may not be 100% free of political stunts & publicity]

the extraordinary calmness and assurance despite the uproar published by the media.

I am still amazed, i am still impressed,

by someone whom i've entrusted my being to.

i am assured, i am full of faith.

He works in ways we cannot see.

i will walk despite the unknown trail.

First, UNITY.

then, CHANGE.

are you ready for it?

Short-term insomnia

2010-01-05T02:05:00.008+08:00

I was never particularly close to her.

Last i remembered, she favored the grandson as he will be carrying forth the name of the family.

She was after all, from China.

She had her own room in the house that we live in, equipped with her own television set, cupboards to store her clothes, jewelries, personal belongings...even one to store non-perishable food.

Not forgetting her very own refrigerator, and it wasn't the mini bar types that we'd find in hotel rooms.

At times, she'd even hang her own clothes to dry in the room.
But I loved how it felt in her room, though mummy would scold and try to get me out of her room claiming it was dusty and stuffy.

Looking back now, i guess it was because she was used to sharing a room with her whole family, having to utilize the very small space that they have of a room to store all of their possessions and do their daily chores.

I used to love hiding out there.

I used to keep my secret stash of snacks in her fridge so that mummy wouldn't find them and scold me for it.

I used to run into her room whenever mummy started scolding and nagging; it was my asylum.
I used to lie on her bed and stick my feet up to kick the top bunk of her bed, and just listen to her stories about the wars.

I wasn't really paying attention though, at times I was just listening to her voice.

I used to love touching the parts of her arm that had started to sag.

I'd tell her that they feel like beancurd skin, and she'd laugh and scold me for saying such nonsense, that I had always been full of weird thoughts.

She used to walk me to my kindergarten, rushing me as we go along.

She'd walk me back home and walk me there again, after realizing i wore the wrong uniform.
She'd always complain that I never wore any skirts, that all girls should wear skirts.

She'd scold me for monkeying around, that I have to learn how to act like a girl.

She'd blame me over and over again for her poor eyesight, which apparently i kicked her in the eye while she was changing my diapers when i was young.

She'd ask me to help massage her back when the days were cold.

She'd ask me to lay hands on her & pray for her pain to go away.

She'd ask me to pray for God to take her away, when the pain was too unbearable.

I was very calm while she was admitted to the hospital, and wasn't particularly shaken when she had lost her consciousness.

Instead I was too busy praying for God to take her with Him as I wiped her body to cool her fever down,
praying the same prayer she asked me to pray before.

I had to be strong for my aunt, and I didn't want to add to the anxiety.

I didn't cry at her funeral, I surprised myself at how calm I was.

I'd like to think i wasn't cold hearted,

because I knew she was with somebody I trusted,

because I knew she was happier that way,

because I knew she wouldn't be crying where she was.

Funny how I can write about how much I remembered, cared for and miss her,

but never once had I managed to tell her I love her.

*Adjustment sleep disorder. This form of sleeplessness is a reaction to change or stress. It may be caused by a traumatic event such as an illness or loss of a loved one, or a minor event such as a change in the weather or an argument with someone.

[wɪðˈdrɔːəl]

2009-12-26T05:45:00.005+08:00

with·draw·al (w-drôl, wth-)

1. The act or process of withdrawing, as:

a. A retreat or retirement.

b. Retreat of a military force in the face of enemy attack or after a defeat.

c. Detachment, as from social or emotional involvement.

d. A removal from a place or position of something that has been deposited.

a. Discontinuation of the use of an addictive substance.

b. The physiological and mental readjustment that accompanies such discontinuation.

3. The act or an instance of retracting or revoking: feared the withdrawal of his parents' permission.

4. Coitus interruptus.

all i want for christmas is...

2009-12-23T17:10:00.004+08:00

oh i am fully aware that the list is never ending...

But really, minus off the selfish desires to satisfy ur material longing,

what do you really want for christmas?

world peace? achieving your dreams? a better life?

but can't you wish for that before you blow the lights off your candle?

or even at a beauty pagent when giving your speech.

if i were to categorize, there'd be

"wants for christmas",

the "everyday wants",

the "festive wants",

the "once in a lifetime wants"...

am i even doing it correctly?

maybe it should go according to age? gender? or race?

then how about it's validity?

ONCE every christmas?

ONCE till the next christmas?

or ONCE your entire lifetime only for that christmas?

but then again,

what is so special about wanting something for christmas?

when the very day talks about giving the greatest sacrifice anyone could give?

don't be such a stingypot already. :P

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

look in the mirror, who's inside?

2009-12-17T00:58:00.003+08:00

she can sometimes be a porcupine,

and react like a pufferfish.

what is it that she's afraid of?

what on earth is she fighting against?

what's the life span of this alter ego?

of a porcupine,
or of a pufferfish?

pavor nocturnus

2009-12-09T23:14:00.005+08:00

The camera starts rolling.

you're taken into a room.

The surrounding is familiar,

the bed, the bed sheet, the curtains,

the ajar window, causing the linen curtains to dance.

you listen but there's no sound.
you listen hard, but your ears start hurting that you give up trying.

you scan across the room.

there's a figure lying on the bed.

it lies there in a rigid pose,

almost as if it were a lifeless mannequin.

the camera sweeps from around it,

and then going up, it stays hanging from the ceiling.

you are directly above the person,

so close, that if not for the camera,

you'd be able to feel his breath.

you study his expression.

peaceful, relaxed, as though he has been in a deep sleep for a long period of time.

something isn't quite right about this peacefulness.

it's heavy.

the atmosphere is being weighed down.

but by what?

maybe, just maybe,
because the expression and the posture doesn't blend.

you want to study the room.

just when you start noticing the odd,

just when you are about to blink,

he flinches.

it all happened so quick, you doubt your sight.

you stare again. this time, you wait.

and as if time has frozen,

you study his expressionless face.

all his facial muscles are so relaxed,

as though there isn't a worry in the world.

he flinches, this time, slower.

and you caught every detail of this movement.

almost transparent blue

2009-12-03T23:16:00.002+08:00